I wanted to share a practice with you which I have found incredibly helpful over the years. It has been my ‘go to’ practice for a long time and is based on the complimentary practices of mindfulness and self-compassion. I find it especially helpful whenever I find myself in the midst of a difficult experience.
I'll start by acknowledging that the word "self-compassion" can be triggering for some people (especially lawyers!).
Do you notice any of the following reactions as you read the word?
- It is weak.
- It is self-indulgent.
- It will undermine my motivation to achieve things.
In fact, none of the above are true! Self-compassion is actually the key to resilience, strength in the face of failure and the ability to learn from mistakes. There is a significant body of evidence showing that practicing self-compassion is strongly correlated with increased emotional resilience and well-being, in addition to reduced stress and anxiety (Source: Stanford Medicine – The Scientific Benefits of Self Compassion).
A common trait shared by many lawyers (including myself) is that we have a tendency towards being very self-critical. It's not a good thing. Research shows that self-criticism actually makes us weaker in the face of failure, more emotional, and less likely to assimilate lessons from our failures. So perhaps some of us could really benefit from a practice like this?
What exactly is self compassion?
One of my meditation teachers (Frits Koster) describes compassion as "when kindness meets suffering". There must be suffering for compassion to arise. In case you are put off by the word "suffering" it is important to note that we all suffer at times... we might feel stressed or anxious, we might experience conflict with another person or we might encounter physical pain.
It isn't enough to simply feel my own pain or the pain of another person. For compassion to arise there must also be the sincere wish (at some level) to alleviate that suffering. Kindness meets suffering. It is a very human quality we all share. We usually experience compassion in the heart... an open, warm, spacious feeling.
There are three ingredients to self-compassion (mindfulness, common humanity and kindness). The practice I am going to bring you through now is very simple and integrates each component. It is called the three step self-compassion break and it goes like this -
Step 1 (Mindfulness) - "This is a moment of suffering"... first we must actually connect with the difficult experience without over-identifying with it or drowning in it. This is counter intuitive and it takes some courage. Normally when a difficult experience arises, our first instinct is to recoil and contract. Mindfulness is being aware of our present moment experience "as it is". It gives us perspective. We can witness the physical sensations that go along with this difficult experience coming and going... the tension, the resistance, the contraction. We acknowledge the difficult experience but don't have to over-identify with it and get lost in a spin cycle of thought. Mindfulness creates a little distance and gives us space to breathe.
Step 2 (Common Humanity) - "Suffering is part of life"... next we acknowledge that this difficult experience is part of an authentic human life. We are not alone in this. Even on my very worst day, I know that millions of others feel the same. Recognising this truth takes the magnifying glass off me and my experience. Again, acknowledging the common humanity of suffering gives me perspective. This is just part of life. It's normal to feel anxious, angry, frustrated, embarrassed or sad at times. I'm not alone and I don't have to beat myself up.
Step 3 (Kindness) - "In the midst of all this, without having to fix everything, can I be kind to myself?"... for the final step we offer ourselves some kindness. It is probably easy to do this for a good friend but perhaps not so easy to do this for yourself?
Think for a moment about what you might say to a good friend who is going through this same difficult experience. Imagine that they are suffering right now. What is your facial expression as you sit with them? What is the tone of your voice? Are you rolling your eyes and telling them that it's all their fault? Are you getting up to leave the room? Are you telling them all about the worst case scenario? Are you going to kick them while they are down? If you are not having a really bad day yourself, probably not.
Without having to fix everything, in your better moments you might be able to offer your good friend some kindness and support. Now, without it feeling phony, can you offer some of this same kindness for yourself? What words do you need to hear?... "this will pass", "it will be ok", "I'm doing the best I can", "I'm not alone", "This is hard but I know I can be with this experience and I know I can learn from this"? What would actually help right now? Maybe you can simply return your attention to the connection between your feet and the floor. There may be a sense of support there? Can you release some tension in the body or perhaps allow the breath to slow and deepen? Even one deep breath?
So that’s the practice. It’s very simple but it’s not always easy. If it resonates with you or you would like to learn feel free to get in touch with me and I will try to point you in the right direction.
A word of caution - I would encourage you to be really gentle and certainly don't engage with this practice (or any meditation practice for that matter) if you find that it makes you feel worse. Sometimes sitting down and meditating through the experience isn't the kind approach. You might be better served going for a walk in nature, lying down for a rest, having a cup of tea or chatting with a friend.